Man hears compliments

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

A minute later he hears, “You look great. Have you lost weight?” He looks around, but there’s no one near.

Again, a minute later, he hears, “You know, you don’t look a day over 30.” Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, “Did you hear that?

The bartender says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”

The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar, he has an eye patch and a peg leg, and also a ships wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks “hey, does that eyepatch ever get itchy?”

“Nay, lad, now make with the grog” says the captain.

“What about that peg leg? It’s got to be annoying?”

“Nay again, lad, you get used to it.

“But that ship’s wheel in your pants…”

“Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub

A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for Mr. Yankees!”

The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”