My wife is pregnant with contractions

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

Man needs a heart transplant

Feeling Sheepish

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?”

The man replies “Not BAAAAD!”

Have you ever been bedridden

An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: “Have you ever been bedridden?”

The old lady smiles and says: “I certainly have and I’ve been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!”

Sharp pain in my eye

Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye.”

Optometrist: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”

You’re going to have to stop

Doctor: “Look, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

Patient: “Why?”

Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

Doctor, doctor, play violin

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

“Yes, of courseā€¦”

“Great! I never could before!”

Body hurts all over

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”