He asked me to play doctor

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

Body hurts all over

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

Man needs a heart transplant

Feeling Sheepish

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?”

The man replies “Not BAAAAD!”

Cucumber up his nose

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating right.”

My wife is pregnant with contractions

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

An abridged history of medicine

AN ABRIDGED HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2020 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

Sharp pain in my eye

Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye.”

Optometrist: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”