Toothpaste

I dropped my toothpaste this morning.

I was Crestfallen.

Rocks

Why don’t rocks like to talk to people?

Because we take them for granite.

Gallon Jug

The inventor of the gallon jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

Bra and a Hat

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I’ll hold up here.

Watches

What do you call watches linking up to form a belt?

A complete waist of time.

Four Year Old Son

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants…

He’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me.

Tennis Shoes

Her: “Magazines are actually cheap. You can get ten issues for $10.”

Me: “Wow that is cheap. I actually need a new pair of tennis shoes.”

Unlawful vs Illegal

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.