Beat Husband to Death

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with a guitar.

Judge says “First offender?”

Woman says “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

Fed-Ex and UPS Merger

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging.

They’re going to be Fed-Up from now on.

Body hurts all over

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”